Hi beautiful people <3 I hope you had the best day - I hope you remembered to do something for yourself and love yourself today. Every single day I am constantly reminded of how good God is. That is a world of so much hurt, confusion, and craziness - that one thing will never change - Gods love, mercy, and faithfulness. In the midst of all of our triumph, I can hold still in a God who will never leave me or forsake me.
This year I have struggled like no other - one thing after another, i could never catch a break. Depression. Anxiety, eating disorders, losing loved ones, heartbreak, and just experiencing so much hurt. I constantly found myself going through the motions, just trying to get myself through. It took everything in me to force myself to get out of bed in the morning and find something worth living for. Depression is so different for everyone. For me, it took over my life. I was in a constant battle with myself, tearing myself apart piece by piece until I had nothing left. I went days without eating. Days without talking to friends or family. Any normal person would never know I struggled. I was so good at faking it until I made it. I gave everything I had to everyone else. All of my heart, my love, my patience, my compliments, my time, my everything - it always went to someone else. I gave and gave until I had nothing left to give myself. I was numb. I was past rock bottom. I completely lost myself. I woke up and lived in pain every single day. I didn’t want to live anymore. I found myself laying on my bathroom floor crying out for help. I just wanted to feel something.
Freshman year was like no other for me - I had an amazing volleyball season individually. I was captain and was nominated for Female athlete of the year, while also leading our team in kills and second in digs. You would of thought i had it together and was just living my best life. So many people depended on me and counted on me on and off the court - when I could not even count or believe in myself. Behind all of the good news articles and being a leader on that court - I was a girl who was so lost and hurting. A girl who was so alone. I lost friends, I experienced heartbreak, I spent everyday just trying to make it through another day. I made it through freshman year and than had a pretty long break for corona.
I tried to push my depression under the mat. I fell in love, thought I had the best friends, and finally thought I was okay. Little did I know this was just the beginning. I put my happiness in the hands of others and it left me being broken and sad. I tried to fill my heart with the desires of this world. Boys, friends, being perfect, always having the best stuff, always making sure I was skinny enough for the world's perception of beauty. I was used for my kindness and love. People knew that no matter how many times or how bad they hurt me - I would come running back the second they needed something. I relied on everything else but myself for happiness. My heart was hurting so bad.
Flash forward to August. I moved back to school. I experienced love and heartbreak. I gave my all to people who had no care in the world for me. I was more broken than I had ever been. I lost someone who promised not to hurt me and who I had truly loved and that thats heartbreak like no other. I ended up getting COVID and was in the hospital multiple times for it. I struggled for two weeks of being so sick and not having anyone there to help me. I lost my second momma to COVID right after I had just gotten over it. I have never felt pain so hard. I loved that woman like she was my mother. At that point in my life I did not want to live anymore. I was sad, hurting, lost, and so alone. I constantly found myself holding myself in bed or on my floor trying not to cry too loud, so people would not hear.
I cried out to the Lord. I had nowhere else to turn. I prayed for healing, I prayed that I would find understanding in the hurt, I prayed for peace, I prayed that he would lead me where I felt loved. Little did I know I would be leaving the school I was at and get one of the best opportunities of my life for volleyball and school. I signed to transfer and play volleyball at Northeast. God broke me to show my priorities were not straight. I was more focused on what other people had to say about me, than what God had to say about me. I was more worried about living for the world, than I was to live for God.
I remember so clearly one day, i was laying in bed crying, I called out to God. I begged to hear something, I just wanted to know why. So clearly I heard Psalm 23. I broke down in more tears. I had finally understood. Darkness will always be there, but God will always be sitting right next to us holding us during those times. God never promised us a perfect life with no hurt, but he did promise that no matter what we went through we would never be alone. He will never leave or forsake us, even in our worst. The answer to all of my problems was right next to me- God. I turned to everything else in the world, beside the one thing that would actually heal me and save me - God.
At this point in my life I am happy. Finally happy. With that being said, I still struggle, I am human. Depression is still apart of my life and something I have to work at every single day, but I have a God that is bigger than anything I could ever face on my side. I am content with where I am.
I pray for all of the people who are struggling right now. To all the people who struggle to find a reason to stay alive. Who spend most of their day crying. The people who are in constant pain. My heart hurts for you. I am here to tell you, it gets better. No matter how much it feels like it wont, it will. The storm will pass, the flowers will start to bloom. You will be okay. You are never alone.
Check on your happy friends. Sometimes they are the ones hurting the most. Be kind to everyone - you never know what they may be going through and you never know how you affect someone with what you say. We live in a world that is so self centered. People pick apart and hurt others for the sole purpose of making themselves feel better. It is so heartbreaking. I pray these people get through what they are going through and that their hearts can heal. Hurt people, hurt people. Please remember you are more than what people have to say about you.
You are so strong and beautiful. You are brave. You are so extremely loved. I pray you feel and truly believe that for yourself. You deserve people in your life that bring you happiness. You deserve people in your life that show you, you are not hard to love. You deserve everything good in this life. You deserve to make yourself a priority. It is not selfish to do what is best for you, it is necessary. Choose happiness, choose joy.
I pray you continue to just keep living, even on the days where it feels unbearable. I pray you continue to keep going, no matter what life throws at you. I pray you feel the arms of God wrapped around you in times of defeat. I pray you choose to walk away if you ever get the chance to treat mean people like they have treated you. I pray you get your spark back and that you find yourself again. I pray you truly believe that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
To those struggling - keep pushing baby, I know you can do it. You are never alone.
You are loved more than you will never know.
Lex
